The Ex-Pat's Guide to the Best of the Wurst

Von Elizabeth Schumacher und John Doyle

For everyone who loves Germany - or is trying to! A practical and comical guide to making sense of this wonderful, frustrating, crazy country! Learn how to find a place, get a job, and complete the most difficult task of all - understanding Germans. From comedian John Doyle and journalist Elizabeth Schumacher.

• Sprache: Deutsch
• Herausgeber: neobooks
• Erscheinungsdatum: 22. Nov. 2015
• ISBN: 9783738045246

Buchvorschau

1. Introduction

When I tell people I’ve been living in Germany for the past twenty years I’m often the recipient of many a strange look. Sometimes people even have the audacity to ask: Why would anyone want to do that? Are you nuts? Expat friends of mine in Paris or in Rome never hear such things. They get hey cool, or wow, or must be nice when they mention where they call home.

I mention Germany and I’m asked:

Were you in the military, in jail or taken hostage?

It really pisses me off! It’s so unfair!

I was even asked by a stranger in a bar once –

Were you in a coma?

I said, fuck no! but he didn’t believe me.

The problem is this: people just can’t understand why anyone from the United States would freely want to live in Germany for so long. It’s kind of like you’re telling them Germany, but they’re actually hearing Afghanistan. Or "an underground bamboo prison in southeast Asia! Like I said, so unfair! Especially when you consider that the weather in such prisons is much warmer!

Even Germans are perplexed when I tell them I’ve been here for more than 23 years now. They ask similar questions:

Were you in the military, in prison or in a mental hospital?

O.K., I’ll admit it, Germany does have certain disadvantages that might partially explain these attitudes. Take learning German for example: it’s hard. It’s really hard. And don’t be surprised if you find yourself spitting profusely when actually trying to speak German. Also not so great. I remember being asked almost every day: why are you spitting on me? I thought we were friends! I said, of course we are. I just can’t stop spitting on you!

Germany is also bureaucratic to the hilt. Remember those Franz Kafka novels you were forced to read in high school? That’s how bureaucratic Germany really is. You’ll notice this when you register with the authorities for the first time. You’ll walk down endless corridors searching for the right door to knock on while wondering the whole time, what the heck am I doing here?

But if you can overcome these and other obstacles with out losing it completely, you’ll soon discover, as I did, that Germany is a pretty amazing place!

It’s amazing for students, for people with jobs, for people without jobs, for nudists, for government protestors and especially for tree-hugging hard-core environmental activists. How’s that for a random group of individuals!

Speaking of tree-huggers, if walking around in the woods and hugging thick wet bark is what turns you on, you’ll love it here! And why? I’ll tell you why. Because Germans love thick wet bark huggers! And it doesn’t matter if it’s a tree, a sagging plant, a stranded whale, or a frog crossing the road, if it has something to do with the environment, Germans love it!  Especially the frogs.  Check this out: Germans would rather spend thousands and thousands in public money on underground frog crossings than on kickbacks for the rich!   Anywhere else people are saying: Fuck the frogs!  If they don’t want to get run over while hopping across the street they should hop a little faster! But not in Germany! In Germany Kermit gets to live.

And check this out: nuclear powers – Germans hate it. It’s in their DNA. It’s actually the first thing German babies learn to say when they start talking. Not Mama or Papa or Achtung Schweinehunde! but I’m vehemently opposed to nuclear power you asshole!   How’s that for your first words – I know, quite impressive.

Students also love Germany. And I’ll tell you why: because studying here is essentially free!  That’s right, free! It’s not like in America where you get to pay back student loans for the rest of your life. Imagine not having to fill out financial aid forms like the FAFSA or the CSS for the rest of your life. If you can imagine this you’re imagining Germany!

There are so many great reasons for moving to Germany.  Here are just 10 of them:

Less crime:  People own guns here, but if they use them at all, it’s to shoot animals and not people.  How cool is that?

Less work:  Compared to Americans, Germans get tons of vacation! Even the unemployed are entitled to vacation time!

Health Insurance: Germans have it and believe everyone should have it.  They won’t shut down the government to prevent others from getting it, and if you need a new hip, a kidney or a lung to get through the day, no problem. In Germany it’s paid for!

Poverty: Relative to the rest of the word there’s much less poverty in Germany. For German kids, the most unbelievable part of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is not the kid-killing miniature slave-owning crazy candy man, but the fact that the government doesn’t help Charlie’s family find a better house. Go figure.

Travel opportunities:  if you live in Germany foreign countries are just around the corner, so get out there and explore Europe!

The German Autobahn:  The best place in the world to drive fast cars and emit tons of CO2.   (More on this later.)

Nudity: Germans love nudity!  In the sauna, in the park, on normal television. If it’s big and blowing in the breeze, it’s ok in Germany. If it’s small you can probably get some government money to correct the situation.

Communicating with Germans in English:  Nothing is easier than that because Germans love speaking English, and proving that their English is better that yours. This happens all the time so get used to it!

Sex: Germans love Sex. Gay Sex. Straight Sex. Sex with animals. It doesn’t matter.  As long as its sex!  (Only kidding about the animals…I think.)

Making friends: It takes a while to make friends in Germany, but it’s worth it because once you’ve made a friend, it’s for life!

I’m so convinced that Germany is the place for you that I’ve written this book together with my American co-writer, Elizabeth Schumacher, who also happens to call Germany home.   This book will help you make acclimating to life in Germany a lot easier.  So let’s get started.  We hope you enjoy The Expats Guide to the Best of the Wurst.

2. A quick work from Elizabeth on: Finding a place

Just like all big cities, finding a place to live in a German city can be a nightmare. Everything is too small, too expensive, too far away from everything, or too filled with roommates growing maggot cultures in unwashed bowls of what was once macaroni and cheese. Add to that moving to a foreign country, needing an address to get a visa, and that everything