Communication means failing: How to build communication bridges with emotional receptivness and authorization

Von Atilla Vuran und Nina Harbers

In this digital age, successful communication has become more important than ever. But why do we fail so often in our conversations? Why do so many misunderstandings arise? Our experience shows: The focus in conversations is too often solely on the content. The exchange can only be successful if we and our counterparts are also emotionally receptive and we give each other the authorization to communicate. Learn how to lay the foundation for successful communication in order to better understand other people, convince them effectively, inspire them to act and lead them. After having read this book, its contents will accompany you constantly whether in private or in business discussions, listening to or giving presentations or while writing emails independent of the context and across generations.

• Sprache: Deutsch
• Herausgeber: Jünger Medien Verlag
• Erscheinungsdatum: 31. März 2021
• ISBN: 9783766480408

Buchvorschau

9Bibliography

1 INTRODUCTION

I’m sure you’ve experienced a situation like this: For years, you have been trying to convince your partner to agree with your opinion on a specific topic (politics, nutrition, child education, sports or whatever) – unfortunately without success. He always has a counter-argument or may not even listen to you at all. Finally you give up and in the long run you stop discussing it with him and you’ve probably put the topic aside. However, after a men’s weekend out with his buddies from college, your partner comes home and suddenly agrees with you on that long discussed topic. His best friend from his student days has achieved what you have not succeeded in for so many years – namely, to convince your partner. So what happened? Why did your partner suddenly change his mind about the subject? Quite simply: You did not have the receptiveness and authorization from your partner, but his friend from college did.

Receptiveness means that the person you are talking to not only agrees with an idea, an opinion or an argument, but is also emotionally permeated by it in such a way that he takes in, accepts it and, if necessary, implements or changes something permanently. Authorization means that the (conversation) partner allows you to tell him something; he acknowledges that you are competent in a specific topic. This can be due to your professional competence on the topic, your (hierarchical) status, your reputation or your general abilities and experience.

Receptiveness is a daily occurrence – intentionally as well as subconsciously – in conversations, meetings or presentations. This book also serves to illustrate the topics of authorization and receptiveness: The fact that you have the book in your hand and have started to read it does not really mean anything. It may be that you have some interest in the subject. But it does not mean that you are emotionally receptive to the content, meaning that you will apply or implement any of the knowledge conveyed in the book in any long-term way. Nor does it mean that you give us authority or that you believe that we have the competence to point out or convey something on the subjects of communication and leadership to you.

We would be pleased, if a certain receptiveness or authorization on your part already exists. However, at the moment, we do not assume that this is the case. We will work on getting that from you in the course of this book knowing that we will most likely lose your receptiveness every once in a while. Because: communicating means failing!

The number of people attending communication seminars or who have read books on the subject of communication has increased enormously in recent years. This makes it even more interesting that misunderstandings (or at least the awareness of them) are becoming more common rather than less (1)¹. Have you ever wondered why? An essential factor is that both books and seminars mainly convey expert knowledge and communication techniques. Think, for example, of models such as the four-ear model by Schulz von Thun, the transmitter-receiver model by Jakobson and Bühler, Paul Watzlawick’s axioms or the techniques of neuro-linguistic programming. All these models have their justification and knowing them is often helpful when communicating. A lot of knowledge and a high level of rhetorical competence can also lead to placing too much focus on the content. Of course, the content is important, but not exclusively. The decisive point determining whether communication succeeds or fails is not the content or the application of the appropriate model or technique, but the awareness of the emotional receptiveness and authorization that the partner you are communicating with gives you.

Imagine the content of a conversation as the surface of a pond. When you walk towards the pond on a beautiful sunny day during a lunchtime walk, you only see the surface that reflects the blue sky and the shining brightly. The gleaming sun makes the surface of the water appear to be shining from the inside out. This means that at first you cannot see the bottom, because the light coming up from the bottom of the pond is far too weak in relation to the sun up above. Only when you are very close and deliberately look for it, can you see into the depth of the pond. If you jump in, you change the intensity on the surface. It becomes less intense because it is now no longer smooth but has ripples and waves. If you dive down, the intensity is completely gone. The deeper you go, the quieter it becomes. In the beginning you may not see anything at all. Only step-by-step will you perceive things deep down.

We don’t want to look at the surface in this book and provide you with information and universal techniques with which you can successfully master any kind of communication. We would like to jump into the pond with you and support you in consciously perceiving other people in the depth of the pond.

I have learned to perceive what I see.

(Sherlock Holmes)

Sherlock Holmes, the fictional mastermind detective, may have said it best: I have learned to perceive what I see. This is exactly what this book is about: conscious perception of emotional receptiveness. To this end, we would like to support you in increasing your perception in the following three dimensions:

– To one point

– To the outside or to others

– To the inside

On the following page, you’ll find a short excursus on the subject of attention.

The rest of this book will guide you through the principles of emotional receptiveness and will thereby increase your intuitive and conscious assessment of various situations during a conversation. It is intended to give you choices for interactions with other people. Choice means that you can use different communication skills depending on the context, the situation and the person you are talking to. The more choices you have, the greater your flexibility and the greater your impact in dealing with other people.

EXCURSUS: ATTENTION

The human consciousness only has a limited processing capacity, so it cannot process an infinite amount of stimuli at the same time. Therefore, it has to carefully select what needs to be given immediate attention. Some stimuli automatically attract attention (e.g. a flash of lightning, a loud noise …), while we deliberately give our attention to most other stimuli. This specific focusing on something particular is known as concentration.

While reading a challenging text, your full concentration is focused on this single activity (towards one point); when you moderate a meeting or explore a foreign city, your concentration is focused on a broad spectrum of the environment or on your listeners (outwards or towards others); when you consciously pay attention to your breath, your concentration is focused inwards. All three forms of concentration are important. The trick is to use them all purposefully and consciously (adapted and extended according to (2)).

1.1 Why We Wrote this Book

We would like to invite you to get to know us a little better in order to show you which personal experiences have shaped our views on the topics of emotional receptiveness and authorization:

Atilla Vuran:

Thank you for your attention, I said at the end of my presentation, and then there was only one thing left for me to do: Get away from this podium as fast as possible! Not that they had thrown tomatoes or eggs at me. I was simply wiped out – in every way possible. On leaving, I almost fell over as I stumbled on a bunch of cables on the floor. That would have been the perfect ending to the middling catastrophe that had just come to an end. The well-dressed listeners, mostly men, had probably been taught good manners because they applauded. Not enthusiastically, but at least they did. Booing would have been suitable as well, but at least they spared me that embarrassment. I got out of there as quickly as possible, and it wasn’t until I sat down in the foyer that I realized that both my undershirt and the blue shirt I was wearing were dripping with sweat. That was really a great achievement, Atilla, I thought to myself. It could not have been more embarrassing. I sat there like a boxer, who had not only lost his fight, but had also been beaten to a pulp by his opponent. Now I knew what it felt like to fail!

Actually, everything had started quite well. I was still fairly young at the time, when a colleague had asked me to step in for him because he was ill. Granted, it was at very short notice, but I felt knowledgeable on the subject and was flattered that I was trusted with this important presentation – even though I had never lectured to such an audience before. Even before I had thought it through, to my own surprise, I heard myself spontaneously asserting: Sure, don’t worry, you just get better; I’ll take care of it!

But when I stepped onto the podium the next morning, a flutter of butterflies had decided to occupy my stomach. There were a lot of esteemed, established and very successful managers in front of me, looking at me expectantly. Sure, I had prepared myself and sat up for half the night, but this situation was new for me. I put all my energy into it and started my presentation. After less than five minutes my personal Waterloo took its course. The audience did not hang on my every word as I had hoped. There was no feeling of awe in the room. On the contrary, the audience became restless. Had we been in school, one would say that there was chattering. Some just looked around everywhere, but not at me. Others were obviously bored and leafed through some documents. The people did not give me any authorization and were not receptive at all. I noticed that and I felt more and more uneasy.

Could you please explain that to me? one of the high-ranking managers asked half way through and then digressed into minute detail nearly going back to Adam and Eve.

Would you please come to the heart of your question? I asked politely, but this guy payed no attention and just continued to philosophize. The other listeners seemed to be indifferent to the entire scenario. Now I became even more insecure. My pulse sped up. I didn’t know how to react and I was bordering on panic as I became blindingly aware of my lack of ability to handle the scenario. I’m sure you’ve experienced such moments when you just want to beam yourself away, as if you were on board the spaceship Enterprise. Somehow I finished my presentation and … well, I already described the rest of this debacle at the beginning.

So, what had happened? What had gone wrong? I spent a long time analysing my behaviour. My presentation had been factual and correct content-wise. Yes, it had been even close to perfect. Very sound and well thought out. But I had not succeeded in reaching my audience. They rejected me and denied me authorization and receptiveness. And so it continued: For a long time, I had to struggle with such situations again and again, even to the point of rejection. I simply didn’t know how to create receptiveness – and that is precisely the quintessence of communication. Not only at work, but also in other areas of life: In partnerships, for example, in the upbringing of our children or in dealing with one’s own parents. Someone listens to you, in the best case he agrees with you, and then … does something completely different. Have you ever experienced anything like that?

When I was still working as a managing director, it seemed strange to me that the employees would listen to me because of the position I had, but still did not implement the things we had agreed upon. I realized that I was falling short when it came to making receptiveness happen, and that concerned me. I wanted to change it! I looked for role models and watched speakers who I knew could effortlessly captivate others. I sat in the audience and was fascinated by how it immediately became quiet in the room as soon as they started their presentation. Everyone was listening. These people are even the centre of attention as soon as they enter a room – how do they do that? I asked myself. Not just once, but over and over again!

It became my personal challenge. I also wanted to be able to do that; I wanted to find out how to get people to give me authorization and how to achieve receptiveness from them. That became a kind of life task for me; some might say a fanatical obsession! Over the decades I analysed human nature, I studied people and experimented with an array of communication methods, consumed the literature on the topic with vigour, deliberated with leading psychologists as well as successful communication professionals and learned what there was to learn. Over time the fog lifted and I discovered the emotional techniques that successful people use in communication. Then I met Dr. Nina Harbers, who also worked on this topic. She had a different approach from mine, but we complemented each other perfectly. Over the course of many years, we developed a working concept together and have summarized our joint findings in this book.

So, in the end, you are not holding a scientific doorstopper lecturing about how to reach everyone …, but an efficient guide from two practitioners for your daily use. The book is intended to encourage you to rethink your communicative behaviour and to use different approaches during a conversation – always with the aim of communicating more effectively. So that you do not fail at failure!

Atilla Vuran

Dr. Nina Harbers:

Why would a petite, dainty and some would even say fragile looking blonde girl, who is often characterized as being quiet and reserved, write a book about communication? That’s a valid question and the answer is actually quite simple: I may have shared some of your experiences. You may have bought this book because you want to learn more about communication and leadership. Maybe you want and need focused attention from your audience, in order to convey your message to them, but you don’t (always) obtain this attention. With me it was quite similar.

I grew up as an only child in a small community in the Chiemgau area in Bavaria, Germany. My decision to study something technical after finishing school was received with quite a bit of astonishment. Why does a girl like me want to become an engineer? That didn’t fit the picture. During my studies, it quickly became clear to me that my appearance wasn’t exactly conducive to being taken seriously – not by my fellow students nor by professors. But because of the way I am, this insight did not demotivate me, but rather encouraged an I will show you how attitude, so that I continued through university with stubborn determination and ambition.

This situation of being stereotyped continued on during the time of my doctorate. Because my appearance sometimes stood in my way, it wasn’t enough for me to do something well, it always had to be perfect. This was reflected in the extreme expectations I put on myself. For me, competence always meant mastering 100 percent of everything – every detail – at the technical and factual level. And I was convinced that specialist knowledge was the decisive basis for success. This attitude had proven itself time and again. At least as long as I was studying and writing my doctorate.

After graduation, I took up a position in a medical technology company and quickly found myself heading a team. It didn’t take me long to realize that my extensive specialized knowledge was not sufficient to communicate successfully with people. Most of my older colleagues and employees didn’t listen to me, and although I was always objective and professional, I was not able to reach very many people. Some simply did not allow me lead them; they gave me no authorization and were not receptive. That was when I first realized that expertise alone was not enough to be successful as a manager. And I recognized a weakness in myself: I am more the intellectual type rather than emotional.

For me, the logical consequence was that I had to educate myself about leadership – in other words, I had to acquire even more expertise, only in a different subject area. I tried to absorb everything there was to learn, including getting an MBA and taking various communication and coaching courses – all of which failed to effectuate a palpable improvement. One day I attended an executive seminar at the university. Atilla Vuran was the name of the speaker who was to bring a major change to my professional career. He talked about authorization, receptiveness and many other things that didn’t mean anything to me at that time. But the amazing thing about his presentation was that he was able to lead the group. The people, including some high-ranking scientists and professors, sat there spellbound, listening to his words. They were more than receptive and gave him exactly the authorization he needed to reach them emotionally. Rhetorically he made some mistakes and I couldn’t even see the famous golden thread in his presentation that was normally so important to me. How did he manage to get people to give him the authorization anyway? How does he do that? These questions challenged me and so I decided to let myself be coached by Atilla Vuran.

During our first telephone calls I was amazed to realize once again that I was really listening to him; that he got me to be receptive. But somehow everything he said wasn’t really useful for me. I didn’t know where he was going. Me, being a staunch structural fanatic, could not find a concept behind his words. It took several telephone calls until I slowly realized that Atilla Vuran did have a golden thread; he had a concept, although it wasn’t obvious at first glance. And that’s when one of the most important insights of my career came to me: The greatest expertise and the most perfect structure don’t mean very much if I can’t convey them properly! The how is just as important as the what! The decisive factors in leadership are receptiveness and authorization. Perfectly structured expert knowledge isn’t really worth much if I can’t get people to listen to me and take it in. And I understood: Everything can be optimized! If you combine a well thought-out structure with an emotional presentation, you have an extremely effective concept. Atilla Vuran clearly stands for the second part. The first part is a part that I am good at. I sat down with him and we had a long discussion. Not just once, but over the course of many years. We asked ourselves questions like What exactly is it that makes people gain receptiveness and authorization? And over time we found answers and developed an effective system.

You are holding this system in your hands at the moment. It is designed to equip you with the necessary ideas from psychology, neurobiology and communication science to understand the concept of emotional receptiveness. In addition to a theoretical understanding, this book is configured to enable you to apply the contents in everyday situations. I wish you lots of fun reading and a lot of success on your way to (even) more effective communication.

Nina Harbers

* * *

As our stories have probably shown, the topic of emotional receptiveness has absorbed us for many years – first in practice through countless experiences in our professional lives, and then later in the theory that is behind it and in our seminars and coaching.

Throughout our cogitation, we repeatedly asked ourselves the following questions: Why is it that some people can master certain situations without effort? Why can some people effectively lead others? Why is it that in other situations, despite great efforts, communication fails and the intended receiver of the message withdraws his authorization or is no longer receptive?

During our meetings, whilst scrutinizing previous seminars we had presented, the following question was raised: Why do we achieve outstanding results in some groups and not in others, even though the same content is taught by the same trainers? It became clear to us that the communication of content is only effective if it is authorized and the listeners are emotionally receptive.

We found that, despite its pertinence to communication, the topic of emotional receptiveness had not been described in the relevant literature as comprehensively as its importance warranted. With this book we want to support you in understanding the mechanisms behind the creation of emotional receptiveness, in becoming aware of what you are already doing well, and in further improving your perception and your ability to build emotional receptiveness.

This book is important for anyone who interacts with people – in a business environment or in their personal lives. For anyone who wants to understand those they communicate with, and for those who wish to make the relationships between people more effective. This book was also written for those who want to get to know themselves better.

In the ensuing chapters, we show you our findings, based on all of the aforementioned experiences, in an easy to read and comprehensive guide. Perhaps, as you take this journey, you will see facets of your daily communications, which, until now, were hidden in the semi darkness, in a new light.

The limits of my language are the limits of my world.

(Ludwig Wittgenstein)

The limits of my language are the limits of my world, the philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein once said. So start occupying yourself with the topic of emotional receptiveness and acquire a new use of language and a completely new world will open up for you with some quite unexpected possibilities of perception.

This book can lead to a significant improvement in your communication skills and your ability to create emotional receptiveness. But it will not work miracles – it is not a passive solution. Required is a certain amount of effort and practice on your part in order to achieve a successful result. The human mind can only consciously process information if it can be associated with something that already exists as knowledge and experience (3). Two factors are decisive in consciously absorbing content of any sort: the amount of knowledge and experience you already have, and your willingness to build up new knowledge and experience.

To be clear, there may arise situations where, even after intensive training of the methods, you will not succeed in gaining emotional receptiveness with your conversation partner – the proposed recipient(s) of your message. Just think of arguing with teenagers going through puberty.

Communicating Means Failing!

Before you really get started, it’s important to know the following:

Everybody – including you and me – uses his communicative abilities to influence other people. Every aspect of leadership, every time you educate someone, every training method uses influencing and communicating skills. Interestingly, there is a contradiction to be found here: No one wants to learn methods or skills that are not effective. On the other hand, many effective skills are frowned upon and labelled as manipulation.

With this book, we are giving you methods and principles that will help you communicate more effectively. You will be able to reach and influence other people in a specific way. Communication is a loop. Your behaviour influences your conversation partner and the behaviour of your conversation partner influences you. This was the case before you read this book, and will continue to be the case afterwards. The difference, however, will be that you are aware of the effect you are creating.

No matter which part of this book you want to use, please always reflect whether you are crossing the border from influencing to manipulating.

Manipulation means getting someone to do something

–… without them realizing it,

–… without them understanding the purpose,

–… contrary to their own interests,

–… that creates a dependency.

The ultimate goal of manipulation is to create a dependency or external control and to deceive. People who manipulate ruthlessly want to satisfy their own needs.

Influence, on the other hand, means convincing someone of something. This is done openly, sincerely and transparently. Influencing is therefore based on honesty and wants to lead the influenced person to independence (adapted after (4)).

With the content described in this book, you can influence as well as manipulate. Let’s use money as a metaphor: You can use money to build hospitals, feed your own family or make your dreams come true. But money can also be used to finance wars. It causes envy and sometimes literally spoils the character. Money itself is only embossed pieces of metal or printed paper notes that are neither good nor bad. And the same goes for the contents of this book, whatever you do with it, it is your responsibility. We wrote this book to help you influence effectively, not to manipulate.

PLEASE NOTE

–The descriptions always refer to all genders. For easier readability, however, the male pronoun, ‘he,’ is often used.

–Not all subject matters covered in this book are scientifically proven; some are based on personal observations and experience over the course of many years (empirically based research.)

1.2 How This Book Is Structured and How Best to Work With it

Studies have shown that, on average, people read most books only up to page 21 (5). These circumstances are extremely negative for our book, where on page 21 you have only just received a first idea about emotional receptiveness. Even if you take the time to read the entire book, not all of the content will arouse your interest to the same extent.

With time being a precious commodity, let me assume you are one who would like to get to the relevant content as quickly as possible and apply it in daily situations. Our suggestion for working effectively with this book is to first read chapter 2 to get a general overview of the topic of emotional receptiveness. What exactly is emotional receptiveness, what contributes to it and how can you recognize it in everyday life? This chapter is about training your perception of communication so that you can be conscious of, and clearly observe, how emotional receptiveness acts as the basis of successful communication and what leads to communication failing so often. In addition, you will learn about various aspects of how you can increase your ability to create emotional receptiveness. The individual subchapters of chapter 2.2 What contributes to emotional receptiveness? are structured as follows for lucid orientation:

Facts

Here you will find the necessary knowledge, relevant numbers, data and facts as well as the scientific background. It describes WHAT makes people become emotionally receptive and what hinders the process.

Application

After the facts and the background, we will show you HOW and WHEN you can use the described content in a practical way to create emotional receptiveness. Here you will also find references to the corresponding workbook, Communicating Means Failing – Workbook, where additional practical exercises are described.

Key takeaways

Here we summarize the most important parts of the chapter for you, which you can read and go over, repeat and refresh at any time.

In-depth literature

At the end of each chapter you will find suggestions for further reading material on the respective topic.

After you have learned the basics in chapter 2, you can browse through chapter 3 (or read the story at the beginning of each subchapter) and mark the subtitles that are of interest to you and then read those first. It will quickly become clear which aspects are truly important to you in order to improve your communication skills.

Chapter 3 describes various so-called filters that can have an influence on the emotional receptiveness of a specific person. Here you will find out what you should consider when creating emotional receptivity, geared to a particular conversation partner.

The subchapters of chapter 3 are each written from the perspective of emotional receptiveness from others towards me (cf. chapter 2.1). However, you can also view the contents from the point of view from me towards others at any time.

The subchapters are structured as in chapter 2.2. In addition, you will find an example story to help you to better relate to the various topics. It is also intended to create your emotional receptiveness for the chapter. The stories are personal experiences and true stories that we bring in from our everyday coaching life. For reasons of confidentiality, the names of the participants have been changed. At the end of each subchapter in chapter 3 you will also find some examples pertaining to specifics of this chapter in application in digital communications. More particulars that need to be observed when communicating digitally are described in chapter 5.

In chapter 4 you will find a summary and guide to help you apply the great amount of information quickly and easily in your daily life.

Chapter 5 deals with the most common specifics of creating emotional receptiveness in digital communications.

Chapter 6 contains the closing remarks.

At the end of the book you will find a glossary, an index and the bibliography with references.

As soon as you have identified the subchapters of chapter 3 that are particularly important to you, you can focus in on them by using the Key takeaways section, and then use this content in your everyday life with the help of the corresponding workbook. In this way you can change ineffective communication habits step-by-step and reach the level of subconscious competence for the content relevant to you. This is the state in which you are probably driving a car. You don’t have to think about it anymore and can watch the landscape or have a conversation with your co-driver while driving. But this has most likely not always been the case. Just think about your first driving lessons …

OVERVIEW: COMPETENCE LEVELS (extended according to (6))

–Subconscious incompetence:

You do not know or cannot do something, but you do not know that you don`t know or that you can’t.

Examples:

If you have never seen a car before, you have no idea what it’s like to drive one.

Before reading this book, you may have never heard the term somatic marker.

–Conscious incompetence

You know you don’t know or can’t do something. This stage is aggravating, but you learn the most at this level.

Examples:

When driving, you let the gears slip, stall the engine, or fail at parallel parking. By reading the book you come across the term somatic markers. You will become aware that you do not yet know how to use these to create emotional receptiveness.

–Conscious competence

You know something or you can do something, but you still have to consciously concentrate on it.

Examples:

You can drive a car, but it still requires your complete concentration.

You know how to use somatic markers to create a receptive environment, but you need to focus on them in the conversation.

–Subconscious competence

You know something and can do something without consciously having to think about it. Individual aspects have merged into patterns and habits.

Examples:

You may still be consciously thinking about where you want to go by car, but the rest is done by your subconscious competence. Your attention is free for other things while driving, such as listening to the radio or having a conversation with the passengers.

You subconsciously use somatic markers (and other content described in this book) to create emotional receptiveness. Your attention is free so that you can concentrate fully on the content.

The beginning of a habit is comparable to an invisible thread. Every time we repeat a particular behaviour, we strengthen the strand, add another thread to it, until it becomes a thick cable that unalterably binds our thinking and acting.

(Orison Swett Marden)

Your current communication habits have developed subconsciously throughout the course of your life, and they have left traces in your brain. Your strong (positive and negative) habits are metaphorically laid out in the neuronal network of your brain as broad and beaten paths. A change only occurs when you leave these old paths and go new ways. This is possible because the human brain has the ability to change and adapt throughout its entire life according to its use and demands (so-called neuroplasticity). For this, however, you must first create new trails between the brain cells that are responsible for activating and carrying out our behaviour. In the beginning it is like walking through a meadow for the first time, the